Should a young family move back closer to relatives?
A couple in their early 30s weighs leaving the north-west for the East Midlands before their daughter starts school, as columnist Annalisa Barbieri and a psychotherapist offer guidance.
Key points
- A couple with an 18-month-old daughter is deciding whether to move back to the East Midlands.
- They relocated to the north-west three years ago and bought their first property there.
- Their parents, some friends and the wife's brother are in or near the East Midlands.
- Psychotherapist Katherine Walker suggests new bonds may still form before the daughter starts school.
- Annalisa Barbieri urges the couple to give their new home more time and weigh wider factors.
A couple in their early 30s is facing a difficult choice about where to live. According to a reader’s letter published by The Guardian, the pair must decide whether to return to the East Midlands or stay in the north-west before their 18-month-old daughter starts school.
Three years ago, the pair left the East Midlands for the north-west, where they purchased their first home. Both sets of parents and several friends still live in the East Midlands. The wife’s brother, to whom she is close, also intends to come back from London in a few years.
Why the couple is torn
The writer says she is close to her mother but finds the relationship hard, because her mother can behave unpredictably. Her husband has no close bond with his own parents and wanted distance from them when they left.
The husband has worked to build friendships in the new city, but none have yet lasted. The wife gets some sense of community from colleagues and has tried to meet other mothers. Even so, she sometimes misses the deep ties that come from long-standing friends and family.
Visits from her parents can feel intense, largely because they stay overnight. The couple believes that moving closer could allow more relaxed contact, such as dropping in or doing an activity together.
Psychotherapist’s view
The couple asked psychotherapist Katherine Walker for her opinion. She said school is often the point when deeper roots begin to form. She also argued that moving away has created chances for new relationships, and has not weakened the old ones.
Walker compared family to tall, established trees that stand on their own, and friends to flowers that bring daily pleasure but need regular care. She encouraged the couple to keep nurturing the trees they have while planting new flowers.
Annalisa Barbieri’s advice
Columnist Annalisa Barbieri, writing in The Guardian, said the couple may be close to settling into their new life. She suggested they picture the reality of moving back, including the problems that led them to leave, rather than an idealised version.
Barbieri also warned that relocating for other people carries risks. Friends may move on, relationships may change, and the brother may not return at all. She said the couple should give the north-west more time and consider factors such as careers, schools, local amenities and social opportunities.
Barbieri, who is the daughter of immigrants, said friends chosen as adults often fill gaps that family cannot. The advice appears in The Guardian’s Ask Annalisa Barbieri column, which addresses one reader problem each week. Readers can send their own questions to the column, although personal correspondence is not possible. The couple is still weighing its options, and no decision has been reported.
Frequently asked questions
Why is the couple considering moving back?
The couple wants to be nearer to their parents, some friends and possibly the wifeu0026#039;s brother. They also hope closer contact will make visits from their parents easier.
What advice did Katherine Walker give?
Walker said school is often when deeper roots form. She encouraged the couple to plant new friendships while keeping their existing family bonds.
What did Annalisa Barbieri suggest?
Barbieri advised the couple to imagine the reality of moving back and to give their current home more time. She said they should consider wider factors such as careers and schools.
Sources
- The Guardian: Should we move back closer to family before our daughter starts school? | Ask Annalisa Barbieri
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